My story as a preteen

Bcbornleo

Registrant
I have posted this a few places because I’m getting this off my chest. It’s been in me 20+ years. In the past I have chatted 1 on 1 with an abuse specialist from RAINN. I feel a little relieved but also still conflicted.



This is my confession.



Explorations and first sexual contact for me was with a guy over 20 years ago, I’m 33 now and male FYI.



So I’m married now to a woman and these explorations were when I was a preteen and teen but are relived in my mind a lot.



It went from boys hanging out and doing what they do play sports, watch sports, play games, watch tv and movies. Talks about all that and cars and girls and women used to come up and fantasies and desires. Now there used to be 4-5 of us that regular got together because of our families being close. But I was closest to one of the boys let’s call him M. M was about 4-5 years older then me.



One night it was just my family at Ms house and we were hanging out in the basement like usual and while watching some movie together with some sexual scenes and M asked if I was getting hard which wasn’t uncommon as we all did talk about women around us that we found hot and women in movies etc. I being younger out of the bunch was usually more on the listening side when the older guys were talking about things. But in this case it was just us 2. I said no even tho I was. M said I’m super hard want to see? I declined, but M insisted we show each other and compare “don’t you wanna see what a real dick looked like” he stated teasing me. Both sitting on the couch M pulled his pants down revealing himself fully hard and I noticed his dick was circumcised and I am not. (Around this same age I was discovering my foreskin and bringing it full down and up, I was not shown or told this our cultures aren’t open sexually)



So being gutsy and teased on I also pulled down my pants and both of us were there cocks out with out parents upstairs and his grandparents down the hall in their room.



It went from us touching each other to the sexual scene together to getting closer together. He eventually took my hand and placed it on his cock.. clearly a lot bigger and harder than me I was preteen and he was a teen. I found it interesting he had no foreskin lol and he found it interesting I did. We went from no lips kissing, (folding our lips into our mouths kissing) to soft kisses on the lips. And then we heard a noise and jumped up just before someone coming down and busting us in the act. Good thing about older houses can hear someone about to enter a room.



As we got together quite often but not always alone we would at times have to keep it to ourselves at times, but when it was just us two things lead to talks about that night and sexual desires but about women. We also of course got back to where we left off kisses, making out and mutual masturbation. Things then built up to wanting more and him wanting me to blow him. I was ok with the JO sessions and making out but declined the bjs many times before eventually it leading to that. I never let him cum on me or in my mouth and the same went for him never cum on or in him. He used to time me at times for how long I could do it as it wasn’t always my favourite thing and also the attraction to women still was and is in me. Things started to fall off when he would not reciprocate and only expected me to please him. Being so young I didn’t quite understand the pleasures and desires and things I know now of course but I do have the desires for mutual jos, bjs and fun again. I definitely am more aware of being bi now as opposed to as a kid, it was gay or straight.



It clearly has an impact on my sexual relationships and intimacy now. It has an impact on my mind and desires.



Til this day I have never told anyone in my life only random internet strangers. But i want to get my situation and story out there to prevent other children suffering the same way or regret it in the future of not telling anyone. I still feel like I had many chances to but I was more embarrassed about what people would say and think about me rather then FF [family friend]. I was concerned about others thoughts more than my own it seemed. Of the things I was doing rather then FF making me do the things which it was not by rape or physical force but by persuasion and convincing and kind of rewarding with things. I get angry now and as I got older thinking about it but I never confronted the FF or told anyone. I’m still embarrassed and would disrupt lives many lives if it got back and all that. It’s something I have to live with but I don’t want others who are potential victims or victims to stay silent.



Do not suffer alone and do not stay silent. I know I did and still do but you don’t have to. If you’re in a situation of danger or you don’t agree with or like tell someone, or help someone that you see in a harmful situation.



I hate it when people say oh why didn’t this person say something when the abuse was happening or why didn’t they speak up then, why are they doing it years later. They don’t understand hurt and courage it would take they don’t get it because they aren’t in that situation. Sexual abuse situations are more public now with celebrity scandals and etc but it’s a situation that’s out there that effects many people and those comments by some to assume the victim is lying because they spoke up years later is bullshit. I wanna punch that person but also beat myself up because I didn’t speak.



I’m open to speak about my situation or yours or be of help to anyone if I can or if you can help me in some way.



I just want to get my voice out even tho I can get it out to people I know. I just can’t do it.



I don’t want other kids being reserved or embarrassed when they are the victim because they don’t deserve that. They deserve help and justice.



I was taken advantage of and manipulated into doing things and putting myself out there to someone when I was too scared or embarrassed to to speak up.



Thoughts.. opinions.. comments.. ? Discussion. Advice. I’m open to it all.
 

Tedure

Active Registrant
Thanks for your courage to share, I know it is hard but a big help in healing, Don't be hard on yourself, get some coping mechanisms in your life to help support you. Take care!!
 

Esterio

Member
Hi BCbornleo

Welcome to MS Sorry for what you have been through. I am glad you had the courage to come and share your story. This is a good place to come an safe in a safe and supported environment. Lots of good people here.
peace be safe
Take Care
Esterio
 
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