I'm feeling too negative
Hello,
To those of you that follow my ups and downs, here's an update.
I'm feeling very negative about this whole therapy thing. I've had plenty of therapy in my life, some of it helpful, but a lot of it worthless or, what's worse, a lot of mind f---ing, and looks like I'm still getting lots of the same.
When I started seeing my T, the idea was to get EMDR because talk therapy doesn't help my symptoms a whole lot and I thought I would like to try that treatment modality. So, several months later, finally we gave it a try, but it was only 5 minutes because I couldn't connect with a happy place. Fine. All during this time, I've been getting more and more depressed and almost paranoid, with full time transference issues with my T.
So, I'm being referred back to my original counselor to help me manage the symptoms. The rationale is that I'm getting in touch with some extremely powerful feelings and I need to be able to have coping skills, and that its best to back off from my T and go back to the original lady counselor. This does make sense and, on one level, I'm agreeable to it. They are following whatever guidelines and protocols they must, I get that.
But on the other hand, I'm feeling mind f--ed again. I simply fail to see how on earth more talk therapy is going to be of any help. I've read about "cognitive distortions" but to me that's like telling me that I'm wrong and they are right. Just like what happened with the whole "born this way" thing which caused me to throw my whole life away. I fail to see how doing cute little exercises are going to do any good. Been through a lot of that already, if it was effective I would't have needed come in to their offices a year ago. It feels like they want to put a band-aid with a cute smiley face on a gaping, hemorrhaging wound. Then I hear about this "emotional dysregulation" crap and it feels I'm being criticized for not expressing my emotions at the right volume. I keep feeling mind f--ed.
Being that I'm the one that's wrong, my choices seem to be to quit, with nowhere else to go, or to pretend to smile and go along their little happy exercises.
Such is my very foul mood today. If anybody can help me get a better perspective, I'm all ears. FWIW, I've been on the other side as I used to counsel chemical dependent clients, so much to my chagrin, I'm behaving the same way, even though I don't drink or drug. It's also very difficult for me to be angry at people that are trying to help me and supposedly have the training to help me.I'm not sure what's triggering me now because my T's session yesterday went very well, and it's only today that I sense myself exploding in anger. I can't really blame them for doing what they are supposed to be doing. So I'll try to take it one day at a time, in the meantime I'll journal. And vent. Sorry, guys, and thanks for listening and putting up with me. I miss my old, cheerful, more stable self...
To those of you that follow my ups and downs, here's an update.
I'm feeling very negative about this whole therapy thing. I've had plenty of therapy in my life, some of it helpful, but a lot of it worthless or, what's worse, a lot of mind f---ing, and looks like I'm still getting lots of the same.
When I started seeing my T, the idea was to get EMDR because talk therapy doesn't help my symptoms a whole lot and I thought I would like to try that treatment modality. So, several months later, finally we gave it a try, but it was only 5 minutes because I couldn't connect with a happy place. Fine. All during this time, I've been getting more and more depressed and almost paranoid, with full time transference issues with my T.
So, I'm being referred back to my original counselor to help me manage the symptoms. The rationale is that I'm getting in touch with some extremely powerful feelings and I need to be able to have coping skills, and that its best to back off from my T and go back to the original lady counselor. This does make sense and, on one level, I'm agreeable to it. They are following whatever guidelines and protocols they must, I get that.
But on the other hand, I'm feeling mind f--ed again. I simply fail to see how on earth more talk therapy is going to be of any help. I've read about "cognitive distortions" but to me that's like telling me that I'm wrong and they are right. Just like what happened with the whole "born this way" thing which caused me to throw my whole life away. I fail to see how doing cute little exercises are going to do any good. Been through a lot of that already, if it was effective I would't have needed come in to their offices a year ago. It feels like they want to put a band-aid with a cute smiley face on a gaping, hemorrhaging wound. Then I hear about this "emotional dysregulation" crap and it feels I'm being criticized for not expressing my emotions at the right volume. I keep feeling mind f--ed.
Being that I'm the one that's wrong, my choices seem to be to quit, with nowhere else to go, or to pretend to smile and go along their little happy exercises.
Such is my very foul mood today. If anybody can help me get a better perspective, I'm all ears. FWIW, I've been on the other side as I used to counsel chemical dependent clients, so much to my chagrin, I'm behaving the same way, even though I don't drink or drug. It's also very difficult for me to be angry at people that are trying to help me and supposedly have the training to help me.I'm not sure what's triggering me now because my T's session yesterday went very well, and it's only today that I sense myself exploding in anger. I can't really blame them for doing what they are supposed to be doing. So I'll try to take it one day at a time, in the meantime I'll journal. And vent. Sorry, guys, and thanks for listening and putting up with me. I miss my old, cheerful, more stable self...