How did you know?


Active Registrant

It is really okay to be confused. I can tell that it's really eating at you to KNOW the answer to this question.

You should watch some of the videos by Joe Kort,

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Active Registrant
I do not diminish or minimize someone else's reality but insinuating that their sexual orientation is simply a "lifestyle" ... as if it being gay is like putting on and taking of a pair of shoes ... as if it is a choice.

Confusion is created by societies perceptions and beliefs about "being gay". Stereotypes and so on being perpetrated.


I have to get something off my chest and honestly don't know who to talk to about this. I think I need to put a trigger warning here too, I experienced some very powerful feelings of disgust at myself and at my abuser and I don't want to insult anyone reading this thread because as I read back over what I've written, it looks a little like gay bashing.

I have been so lonely since I started sticking up for myself. I struggle with sexuality as a result of CSA by a male family member and bullying from my sisters. I periodically go through these existential crises of whether I'm gay or not and it sickens me that my platonic interactions with gay men are basically ruined by my mistrust. The other night I was at work and went to a nearby Chinese takeout place. An attractive younger man struck up a conversation with me and I really liked him. I'm pretty sure he was interested in me and I was flattered. I had no idea what to do so when my food was ready, I said goodbye and went back to work. I couldn't get him out of my mind though. I was getting angry at all the people throughout my life that have told me I was gay and was resisting coming out of the closet. How dare they be right about me! I was angry at myself for being so stubborn as to ignore what was right in front of me the whole time. It literally felt like a weight had been lifted, I simply hadn't met the right person. I started fantasizing about him in a way that I usually reserve for women that I like and respect, but I wasn't feeling well, I figured it was the Chinese food. As I kept fantasizing, the unpleasant feeling grew into nausea and I finally had the brilliant idea that my fantasy was causing the nausea. So I changed the character in my fantasy from a man to a woman and the nausea instantly went away. This whole thing frightens me, it feels like my sexuality is so messed up that I can't reliably tell who or what I like. It felt like the person fantasizing was one person and the person experiencing the nausea was another. I managed to recombine the two people, but holy shit! And I'm so sorry for my mistrust of men.


Active Registrant
I think I knew when I was probably 8 or so. While I didn't understand the word "gay" or what it meant, I found myself attracted to my fellow classmates. 8 was also about the same time the abuse started. While the abuse had an impact on me in many ways, I do believe I was always gay.


Napoleon said:
But what I believe is that All human men are born bisexual. Nurture determines it from there.

Look the prostate located in the anal cavity, why? This is why young boys take so much longer to potty train that girls. They actually enjoy holding it in, because it stimulates the prostate and produces endorphin's. Physically all men are bi, and receive sexual stimulation from either type of sex. Women do not receive pleasure from anal the same way a man does. One can not examine the position of the prostate and conclude there is no evolutionary benefit for this.

I am sure this is result of evolution. Populations evolve more quickly when individuals are removed from the gene pool. Those individuals were sexually isolated and find male partners the same way men do when sexually isolated in jail. But more over a young boy can engage in survival sex. And while there is no need for survival sex in modern society thanks to CPS, adoption programs, etc; This was most certainly a survival trait for ancient boys. thus this arrangement benefits both the gene pool and increases the likely hood of individual survival.
Really thought-provoking. Thank you for sharing.


Active Registrant
I knew I liked guys before the abuse happened, which was in my teens. It made accepting my sexuality much more difficult and largely ruined my 20's.
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New Registrant
I continue to struggle to this day. i was abused by a female cousin and a male uncle, at different times. I don't think they knew about each other, they were from different parts of my family.

although I identify as being heterosexual, sexually, relationship, intimacy prospectives, i enjoy aspects of gay sex. i have been through therapy and i was told this may be due to patterning that occurred since the abuse happened when i was quite young.

Tom E.

I've always been kind of Bi, but mainly attracted to guys. Don't know what the ratio would have been if I hadn't been exposed to gay sex as a boy & young man 1st, or if I'd had sex with females 1st.


how on Earth could they expect survivors of childhood sexual abuse to give a solid answer one way or another and how could they exclude people who identified as "confused straight" yet needed help?
I hear you, Slacks. Remember that these studies come out of institutional academia, which is systematically prejudiced against males. And while I'm sure many researchers as individuals recognize and deplore the exclusion of straight males from their research, they still have to pursue funding for it. There are few funds available to study abused straight males, because as we are the "most privileged" group in the world (according to feminist patriarchal theory, to which all institutes of higher learning more or less must subscribe), abuse against us is academically unrecognized and, according to patriarchal theory, generally isn't worth studying since as a group we cannot be oppressed - and in academia, abuse pretty much only "counts" when it's committed against oppressed people.
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Ever-fixed Mark

WoR Alumnus
I knew I liked guys before the abuse happened, which was in my teens. It made accepting my sexuality much more difficult and largely ruined my 20's.
Like InsideTheWall, to understand my sexual orientation I looked to my thoughts and feelings prior to when I was sexually abused and raped. I remember having intense feelings of friendship with a few boys that I now recognize as crushes or infatuations. The two that stand out are a handsome, rough and tumble, athletic blond boy, and a tall beautiful boy of Italian heritage who played the piano accordion. Looking at these relationships with an adult's eyes, I can see that I was romantically attracted to them, but as a pre-teen and pre-pubescent boy I had no language and no experience for that. There wasn't a hint of anything physical about it. I also remember being drawn to comic book heroes and images of men with heroic proportions to the point where I tried to draw them to recreate what it was I'd seen and felt in those images. Looking back, I think this was the beginnings of my natural sexual desire.

In retrospect, "Was I gay or did being sexually abused and raped make me gay?" seems like the wrong question for me. I think what happened to me made it even harder to face the truth that I was gay. Unpacking my sexuality meant I had to unpack and deal with my sexual abuse and rape as well. Ultimately I did that work in my mid to late twenties, but I was robbed of my sexual awakening and everything that goes with it. I had to deal with my childhood sexual abuse and tease it apart from my sexuality, trying to prevent it from tainting who I was becoming.

As an aside, I find the language calling gay sexuality a "lifestyle" very difficult and problematic. Framing natural gay sexuality as a "lifestyle" is used to denigrate lesbians, gay men, and bisexuals suggesting that their orientation is a choice and therefore can and should be "cured". I'm not down with being "othered" and pathologized in that way.



I am still so incredibly angry about this. I am realizing these researchers I spoke to are the same ones who have teamed up with Male Survivor. Having watched their videos (link on Male Survivor homepage) and considered their lengthy explanations and assurances of inclusiveness, all I can say is there are foundational flaws in their methodology which will negatively impact their study's outcome. It will also negatively impact future attempts at reaching a great many injured men who are already facing enormous barriers to getting help. They are actively alienating male survivors while claiming to create and foster an inclusive community. What a sick joke. Instead of helping shine a light on the full-scope and effect of childhood sexual abuse of men, they are helping drive it further underground. They are seemingly clueless to the magnitude of the deep shame so many men hold and can not express surrounding sexual identity. By creating (and perpetuating) unnecessary divisions within their study, they are warping, distorting, and amplifying the very problem they claim to be wanting to learn more about in an effort to help. They are systematically invalidating some survivors according to labels that are insufficient; they do not allow for fluidity, growth, self-discovery, acceptance of others, and acceptance of self. What an absolute travesty; they are getting it completely wrong. Male Survivor needs to seriously reevaluate their partnering with such an inherently flawed attempt at research. I can't state this strongly enough. WTF?

What I read Slacks, is very deep emotions. And I'm sorry.

Please read on:

I've known healing, or recovery steps, whichever conveys taking steps to process trauma; and half of what's worked for me is interaction with the nearly universal volunteer service, and active community here at Male Survivor.

Stating Male Survivor has partnered in bad faith speaks to volunteers and the community. There are many in this community who have participated in research connected by voluntary participation. That participation by the community and/or volunteers will be given the research pre-screening, peer reviewed per their grant agreement; the scholarly grant awarded because it passes peer review.

I read high emotion and I'm sorry that's happening. I write with only my volunteer connection and active participation. I am a community member.

I have spent 2 of my nearing 3 years seeking connection to a more male inclusive public and Congressional Services response. I know the desert of services out there. I also know there are times it seems there's something overtly excluding, and that may especially be true for an LGBTQIA person.


It makes sense but I wonder WHY your T asks that? Is he/she God and can go beck pre abuse and truly answer that question? No one else can and neither can you. You are attracted as you are now attracted. You are committed as you choose to commit. Screw the T for CAUSING you angst instead of helping you to resolve it.


I do not diminish or minimize someone else's reality but insinuating that their sexual orientation is simply a "lifestyle" ... as if it being gay is like putting on and taking of a pair of shoes ... as if it is a choice.

Confusion is created by societies perceptions and beliefs about "being gay". Stereotypes and so on being perpetrated.
Wish I could “LIKE” George Martins comment it says it all better than I did.