Getting support from friends-it’s awkward

Getting support from friends-it’s awkward

PRFL

Registrant
One more thing I’m struggling with is that I need, desperately need, human companionship and support in real life, instead of limiting myself to online support, as helpful as it is. Given the sensitive nature of the support I need, it’s hard to figure out how to go about it.
I’m thinking in particular of a former classmate of mine. He and I were not close at all and I never thought much of him, but about 15 years ago, the class started to contact me for a high school reunion and that flared up lots of negative memories, so I sent a scathing email to my class telling them that those were the worst years of my life and had no desire to relive those days. He contacted me privately, apologizing for anything he could have done. It happens he was not one of the bullies. He told me that he used to respect me and envy me (I was the most intelligent kid in my class). We kept in touch very rarely over the years, but last year the high school reunion thing got reactivated again. It turns out he doesn’t live too far away, so, after much trepidation, I agreed to meet with him one on one. It went very well, he is a truly friendly, good person, as far as I can tell. He has invited me to his house, I’ve met his wife and one of his sons, we see each other on FB a lot and comment back and forth. So far, so good. It seems he is very caring and wants my friendship. I also want his friendship.
I’m reluctant because, particularly these days, I feel very lonely, needy, and anxious. I need and want real-life support, but I dont’ want a friendship to be based on just those needs. I don’t think I’m ashamed of my current struggles and I’m willing to share them, but I don’t want to give TMI that he may not be interested in hearing. He does know about my late partner so I dont’ worry about him rejecting me because of that.
I would love to socialize and have fun, but I’m fearful that I’m too full of gloom and doom right now and that I’ll ruin the friendship.
This is true of other former classmates as well. It is obvious that they care about me and remember me fondly, and I don’t want to dishonor that. None of the people that have reached out to me bullied me in any way. But I really have no clue on how to socialize healthily. I don’t want a friendship to become a counseling session, but I feel clueless about what is a healthy need for support from a friend to turning them into my unpaid shrinks.
Ultimately, it is about my underlying fear of “doing it wrong”. The only way I can avoid this fear is simply by avoiding engaging, thus depriving myself of human companionship. It seems I keep self-sabotaging myself at every step and every step I take seems like the wrong one. That’s a miserable place to be.
 
Hi PRFL,

You know I'm passing through something similar.I have told my best friend about my abuse just 1 day ago and he was very supportive and he is a very open minded guy.I'm planning to tell my second best friend but he might not be so open minded,his personality resembles much of a cowboy, really old fashioned.My advice to you is that you really have to be certain that he is truly your friend and genuinely cares and have love for you.You also said that your friend might not have interest in hearing your troubles,but friends still need to be friends even in bad times and bad situations aswell,after all it's not like you have commited a crime and that must be just something you want to get out of your chest and be sincere with him.Of course that I understand your side aswell and that he might not understand it, because it's a very complex matter and very diffcult to explain and put it into words.

I hope this have been helpful to you.

Stay well mate.
 
Muito obrigado, thanks!
The reality is that there are people that care about me, so I need to figure out how much to share and what I should hold back. Being that I've been a loner all my life, these are uncharted waters to me.
 
PRFL

Human compassionate contact is important in healing. Sometimes we believe any contact is important--that is wrong--it needs to be compassionate with understanding and empathy for the survivor. The companion needs to put aside their misguided beliefs about CSA and what a survivor lives. Have you tried a support group with fellow survivors. I have found them to be very helpful to physically be with people who best understand your pain, judgment is put aside.

I was blessed to meet wonderful people at work and outside who have been my rocks--they know not to ask or judge because they can admit they do not understand how a child can survive such an ordeal. They rescued me from an environment that nearly killed me. No remorse on their side, just more of the same. People can change if they choose to accept the past and not live in the past. There were situations where I hated being the brunt of jokes by someone who should not have been putting me in that position--many apologized even coming to the house for joining the bandwagon. That person who initiated the jokes said he has thick skin. I have learned in therapy when reflecting on the lives of the people, they grew up laughing and mocking others to enhance their self image and to distract from their issues--so I should have expected the same from them. Maybe we become those around us. I could not tell because I was hurting and I believed I deserved to be abused or mocked or laughed at. There are wonderful people out there, who have compassion and understanding. I gather 80% of the people are good and it is unfortunate when the 20% enter our lives. Do not give up on finding people--they are there and you need to accept some will not be the "right" person and then you will meet the right "person" (people).

Kevin
 
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