dropped out of therapy.. again

I've dropped out of therapy.. again, after 6 sessions. I had multiply problems with this T. - some weird issues with communication about payments, or her controlling the pace of disclosure and me feeling completely helpless, unable to stop or feel anything.

She did feel a lot during our sessions, she cried, she talked about her feelings a lot, and i guess it frightened me, i felt it leaves no space for my feelings. It felt like she was watching a horror movie - my life - and was deeply into that.
I was open about some of my maladaptive behaviors, like overeating and drinking.
Our last session ended up, after she rummaged through my relation problems which i also didn't feel ready to discuss - i am going though a difficult new job setting, but it was not interesting enough for her - she wanted to dig into my personal life, and i am having a hard time stopping conversation.

So, she said in the end, you should stop drinking, start doing yoga etc. etc. to deal with your feelings, and she will not be available for extra sessions for which i asked as a possible resource, because i must deal with my emotions myself.. Right...

I know yoga is good and drinking is bad, i am not an idiot.. I also know i am responsible for my emotions, but i kinda wanted help with that part..
When i said i understand that, but i am not sure if i have a resource to pull it all out she said "she believes in me". Sounded pretty much she washed her hands, which i told her, and that was the end of the session.

I walked around for couple of hours, pondered that, and wrote i want to cancel next appointment because i lack resources. That's it, i guess i am lost again.. Will take at least couple of month before trying to get a T. again.
Any thoughts are most welcome..
 

Toad

Active Registrant
Hi Sand Shore.

Sorry about your therapist.
On some level therapy is a business and if that therapist isn't right for you, perhaps a different one will be right.
I have had a few different ones and have finally found one that is helping me.
Your therapist might be great for a different person with a different set of things to work through.
Personally, I found some therapist are trained and deal with abuse, and others not so much. Especially, with men who have been abused, it is harder to find one that is comfortable and able to work with us.
Hope you are able to find one that works for you.

Toad
 
Hi Sand,

This reminds me a lot of my first therapist, whom I dropped after about three months. Finding the right therapist who not only has the training but the aptitude for helping male trauma survivors is hard. I was really lucky because one of the best in the country was located right here in my city, and he was an absolute Godsend. My first therapist was also super worried about payments, and her method was to lend me a book from her library with instructions to read it, and then we would discuss it at the next session. It didn't do much for me as it did not really allow me to dig into what was really bothering me which, of course, was the CSA I experienced.

You were wise to drop the therapist you had. Keep looking for another. The right therapist can make a huge difference.

Good luck to you.

Mike
 

PRFL

Active Registrant
I find it troubling that she would cry and talk about her feelings a lot, because the focus should be on you as the client and not about her. Self-disclosure does have a role but it must be done very carefully and in very small doses.
The payment issue can really complicate matters, because ideally, somebody else like an office manager should handle that aspect. This is not always possible because it costs a lot of money to hire staff, and this raises the prices.
You may or not be aware that I've been struggling with my T. I almost left therapy, but after thinking it through, decided to stick with it. As it happens, we both agree that we need to back off, meaning less frequent visits. This gives me the time to process what has transpiring without adding new triggers and getting overwhelmed. So, instead of "all or nothing" perhaps an intermediate strategy like this might work.
Therapeutic relationships are also a form of human relationships, and they take work and commitment, provided there are no boundary crossings (dealbreaker to me, as far as I'm concerned). Dropping a relationship, doing without, then starting another may or may not be the answer, but I really can't tell you which is the best approach with you because I don't know your T or the nature of the interaction. I'm just bringing up some thoughts in case they help.
 

NC-Survivor

Active Registrant
I find it troubling that she would cry and talk about her feelings a lot, because the focus should be on you as the client and not about her
I had the exact same concerns. very disconcerting!!
I am starting with a new T soon. we have been playing phone tag setting up our first meeting (1st time with a male T!!)
 
Hi guys, thank you very much for your replies and support, i actually just realized only two days has passed, but for me it was so emotionally charged it feels like i wrote an original posting months ago.

I am both very touched and supported by all of you: both people who point out things to think about and those who give their support to my decision to stop, thank you so much. When the forum was down and i could not reach out for the support it was much harder.

A little update on what happened with me: at first i just wrote to the T. saying i want to stop because i have no resources, she asked questions, and i spilled out the whole bag of worms on her about how i feel. Her reaction was quite assertive, i must admit that: she said she sees her being very fast-paced and providing a lot of interpretations and touching a lot of topics at once as a mistake. That she felt need to help me and this is why she was so active. Also she explained her refusal to agree on more sessions as a way to reduce the emotional load of the therapy. I commented on the irony on how exactly opposite is the effect of her actions for me.

Her solution to the problem: she will reduce the pace, and we will continue therapy.

Yeah, so now for me is some kind of trust exercise which re-assembles my abuse so much: i felt hurt and run away, but a well-meaning "adult" (T. in this case) calls me to get back to.. be hurt again?.. Sadly, this kind of pattern is present may be in all of my interactions with adults.
Trust issues, right.

Part of a frustration now i feel i just don't want to decide anything, i don't want to deal with this shit, i have so many other things going on in my life i feel emotional storms i experience going through therapy are too taxing, yeah, but it is avoidance, of course.

I don't know, i guess i am just happy to write it down, thank you for reading, if anything in this feels relatable and you want to share i will be very glad to read.
 

PRFL

Active Registrant
If I understand this correctly, it sounds like she’s owning up to her misguided efforts to trying too hard to help you so she’s backing off to avoid overloading you, which sounds pretty sensible to me. I’m going through exactly the same dynamic with my T (other than the crying part which still troubles me). I completely get (cognitively speaking) why my T is backing off and I’m completely on board that this is the right thing to do, but as told him I’m having a lot of separation anxiety, which has to do with me and my fears of rejection and abandonment. I want those wounds to heal NOW but this is not a process that can be rushed, so as hard as it is (very), I know I need to be patient. It is not good to run away from pain, but it’s not good to be overwhelmed by it, either, so it makes sense to take a breather, during which time I can leave it to my subconscious mind to keep processing it. If this works, by our next appointment in several weeks, if I’m feeling better I may be able to handle my emotions a bit better. How can he possibly work with me if an innocuous comment makes me jump to the point that I need to be peeled off the ceiling?
Like they say in recovery, “easy does it”
Ultimately, it seems that you do have a choice on how to proceed with this particular T. You can choose to stop the therapy altogether, or you could try backing off and see if the slower pace works better. You have the power to make that choice, but do you have the wisdom? I sure don’t and that’s why I keep journaling and posting and getting feedback from others.
I’ve been through similar relationship problems with other adults, and one thing I figured out is that I need to be very clear on my deal-breakers. For example, somebody abusing me verbally, physically or sexually is a deal-breaker, period. My T saying something that I may not like is not necessarily a deal-breaker, as all too often, things I don’t like to hear have been things I needed to face.
I can’t expect my T to be available at all times or do my emotional work for me. If I’m uncomfortable, I need to learn to deal with this discomfort and not run to him to fix me. Being that I don’t know how to this all by myself, I DO need help and guidance, so that’s why it won’t help me to stop seeing my T completely. It’s a balancing act and it’s easy to err on either side, and I’m trying to accept this as part of the process.
It is very hard to trust the process, and to trust flawed human beings, and I’m trying to grow along those lines. That involves for me learning to cope with the fact that flawed human beings can fail us despite their best intentions, but ultimately we have choices. I try to make sure the choices I make are based not just on my feelings, but on good information as well, and not just assumptions about the other person.
I hope this is useful to you. I’m not trying to make this about myself, I just want to share what I’m learning in the process in case it’s helpful to you. Just the fact that you shared a struggle similar to mine helps me a lot, so thank you!
 

KMCINVA

Member
Like support groups, therapy requires you to feel safe. Once you feel you are unsafe you will begin to hold back in sharing with the T, which not allow you to heal. Therapy works for many and for some it may not be the right course of treatment. You need to decide what is best for you to move forward. I have done sweat lodges which I have to say helped me release the last of the remnants I had buried, a six day of silence was reflective for me but I had been on the healing journey for over 7 years. Some find writing, I know others who have found equine therapy rewarding allowing them to connect with themselves and the trauma. Others find writing to be helpful. Therapy may work for you if you find the right therapist. To be honest, I have learned and heard it from medical professionals, many in the medical profession do not understand trauma and it causes additional pain to the victim---from the ER, to psychiatrists, nurses, T's, who cannot admit they do not understand the mind. The right T maybe out there. If you decide to return to therapy, do an in-depth review of the T, interview the T, find out their past and have they worked with trauma.

I am sorry you had to live through 2 inept T's. You deserve better, you deserve to heal.

Kevin
 

NC-Survivor

Active Registrant
i feel i just don't want to decide anything,
This hit home for me. As I went through my first CSA support group, this was how I described myself: like a rubber ball floating on a lake. Not wanting to make any decisions on my own. Feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. Letting everyone and everything make decisions for me. Leaving it up to the "waves" to push me in whatever direction.

That helped me realize, I needed to take control of my life. That was a very important step in my Healing Journey.
 

Esterio

Member
Hi sand shore
I think no T is better than a bad T, So far I have had some bad ones for me. I have kept looking for a new one and have found one now that I do feel comfortable with, I am not sure if I am ready to disclose my darks secrets to him yet. This week he is introducing me to another T that is trained in EMDR and has experience with male CSA survivors. So I'm hopeful for this but not completely at ease with it.

I think you made the right decision not to go back, I hope you intend on looking for another T soon. I also hope you find one that you can feel comfortable, safe and can set the pace of your therapy.

Take care
Esterio
 

F.A.

Active Registrant
Sounds like she has no business being a therapist and should go into therapy to get her shit together.
 

NC-Survivor

Active Registrant
I just got an appointment with a new T (in a few weeks). our schedules don't mesh very often - we will only free able to meet 1-2x/month. First male T! (should prove interesting). He was recommended by my last T, who I learned to trust over 2 years

I think I am at a point (Thanks to this past week with "Leaving Neverland", finding MS, and "dump"ing EVERYTHING here, then already sharing all that with an IRL friend) I am not going to play games. going to tell him everything, right away. Hope I don't scare him too much! LOL!
 
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