Down the Rabbit Hole of Triggers
JayBro
Registrant
I have such a rush of emotions right now, but I will try my best to keep this post coherent.
Throughout much of the past year I have been really triggered and then continuously susceptible to further triggers. I thought that I was making great progress between 2013/14 and most of 2016. After a stressful period in 2016, I then was on the upswing again until around February/March of 2018. A lot of it emerges as disruptive thoughts and memories (of being traumatised and re-traumatised)- not necessarily as nightmares, but while I am awake. Usually I am most triggered around sex, when looking at porn, or just reminded of sex.
A list of things running through my mind:
-Often I get anxious thoughts of guilt, like "if these people around you knew what you did/saw, they'd be disgusted with you!".
-I wish I could cry and express my emotions regarding my abuse in a "normal", conventional way, but I honestly can't. I find it so difficult to cry or to be angry at my countless abusers. I just take it all out on myself internally: I have hook-ups or chat with men in a way that objectifies me or parallels the abuse. Role-playing is awful and it makes me re-live the abuse all over again.
This is an extension of the high standards I place upon myself: always finding ways to put myself down.
-I am becoming more aware of the fact that I seek a closure that I can never have. I have no way of obtaining justice or identifying who my many abusers were. I am disturbed by them, disturbed by people who make c/p etc. Because of the lack of closure and "tangibility" of the abuse I obsess about them and wish I could gain access to them or at least their minds and confront them with questions. This probably emerges in two re-traumatising habits of mine, namely seeking triggering sexual encounters (so replacement-perps so-to-speak in a role-play) and reading news stories about abusers, scientific studies, laws etc. All of which only makes my anxiety and/or shame relapse and thus leaves me in a vulnerable position for further triggers.
-Sexuality isn't something that we can turn off. It is an automated driver like hunger or sleep. But is causes me so many of my triggering thoughts and feelings. Even during healthy encounters the memories pop up: or in a search for "healthy", non-traumatising porn, there is continuously creepy, questionable, and triggering stuff which makes me feel guilty or like I myself am a perp. Not to mention it is re-traumatising (the word is not strong enough) on so many other levels. It feels like the abuse is suddenly happening all over again. Even Tumblr which started off as a healthy venue for me became infiltrated with perps and low-and-behold the site is removing all porn because of people posting c/p. I am hyper-vigilant and feel like I can't be 100% safe anywhere- this has all really eroded my sense of security and well-being, especially online but also in the real-world. I often meet certain men and then wonder "could he also be an abuser?"
I know I have been posting similar stuff like this before, but it helps me to calm down in the moment and get my thoughts organised. Can any of you relate? What role has "closure" played for you?
Throughout much of the past year I have been really triggered and then continuously susceptible to further triggers. I thought that I was making great progress between 2013/14 and most of 2016. After a stressful period in 2016, I then was on the upswing again until around February/March of 2018. A lot of it emerges as disruptive thoughts and memories (of being traumatised and re-traumatised)- not necessarily as nightmares, but while I am awake. Usually I am most triggered around sex, when looking at porn, or just reminded of sex.
A list of things running through my mind:
-Often I get anxious thoughts of guilt, like "if these people around you knew what you did/saw, they'd be disgusted with you!".
-I wish I could cry and express my emotions regarding my abuse in a "normal", conventional way, but I honestly can't. I find it so difficult to cry or to be angry at my countless abusers. I just take it all out on myself internally: I have hook-ups or chat with men in a way that objectifies me or parallels the abuse. Role-playing is awful and it makes me re-live the abuse all over again.
This is an extension of the high standards I place upon myself: always finding ways to put myself down.
-I am becoming more aware of the fact that I seek a closure that I can never have. I have no way of obtaining justice or identifying who my many abusers were. I am disturbed by them, disturbed by people who make c/p etc. Because of the lack of closure and "tangibility" of the abuse I obsess about them and wish I could gain access to them or at least their minds and confront them with questions. This probably emerges in two re-traumatising habits of mine, namely seeking triggering sexual encounters (so replacement-perps so-to-speak in a role-play) and reading news stories about abusers, scientific studies, laws etc. All of which only makes my anxiety and/or shame relapse and thus leaves me in a vulnerable position for further triggers.
-Sexuality isn't something that we can turn off. It is an automated driver like hunger or sleep. But is causes me so many of my triggering thoughts and feelings. Even during healthy encounters the memories pop up: or in a search for "healthy", non-traumatising porn, there is continuously creepy, questionable, and triggering stuff which makes me feel guilty or like I myself am a perp. Not to mention it is re-traumatising (the word is not strong enough) on so many other levels. It feels like the abuse is suddenly happening all over again. Even Tumblr which started off as a healthy venue for me became infiltrated with perps and low-and-behold the site is removing all porn because of people posting c/p. I am hyper-vigilant and feel like I can't be 100% safe anywhere- this has all really eroded my sense of security and well-being, especially online but also in the real-world. I often meet certain men and then wonder "could he also be an abuser?"
I know I have been posting similar stuff like this before, but it helps me to calm down in the moment and get my thoughts organised. Can any of you relate? What role has "closure" played for you?
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