Disconnect with Love
This is going to be hard to articulate, but I need to unload.
I just learned last week that I really don’t know what being loved means. Being guarded has been somewhat of a refuge, something I can control, a safety net, I ultimately conditioned myself not to let people inside.
What really scares me, I don’t remember the last time I really felt love, or even genuinely reciprocated the love given from others. Relationships with past girlfriends and my Ex-Wife, I was romantic. Friends, Family, Kids - All I express love, support, and giving. I followed the definition of Love, I see people love each other, I know what makes people happy. When asked what love meant to me, I followed “It’s what makes people feel good, I didn’t feel anything other than going through the motions. I'm happy if they're happy.” Should I have felt more? I guess.
I think this stems from my abuse. I have this clear memory during one of my evenings of abuse, a calm went moved through me. I just relaxed and surrendered, thinking if I die now, it's what is suppose to happen. When someone bigger than you has control, what can you really do? I literally felt something in me depart, and I don’t think I ever got it back. That's how I feel at the moment anyway.
When I tried to share the abuse with my parents as a kid, they sided with my abuser. He’s a nice guy, how could it be true… That moment is so vivid, I really felt like I’d died. I can explain it no other way.
Can I break down this wall and really let someone in?
That is an unfair question to ask, because I realize there is so much yet to process. I simply feel super alone and like I’ve cheated everyone from really knowing my heart… Including family.
I just learned last week that I really don’t know what being loved means. Being guarded has been somewhat of a refuge, something I can control, a safety net, I ultimately conditioned myself not to let people inside.
What really scares me, I don’t remember the last time I really felt love, or even genuinely reciprocated the love given from others. Relationships with past girlfriends and my Ex-Wife, I was romantic. Friends, Family, Kids - All I express love, support, and giving. I followed the definition of Love, I see people love each other, I know what makes people happy. When asked what love meant to me, I followed “It’s what makes people feel good, I didn’t feel anything other than going through the motions. I'm happy if they're happy.” Should I have felt more? I guess.
I think this stems from my abuse. I have this clear memory during one of my evenings of abuse, a calm went moved through me. I just relaxed and surrendered, thinking if I die now, it's what is suppose to happen. When someone bigger than you has control, what can you really do? I literally felt something in me depart, and I don’t think I ever got it back. That's how I feel at the moment anyway.
When I tried to share the abuse with my parents as a kid, they sided with my abuser. He’s a nice guy, how could it be true… That moment is so vivid, I really felt like I’d died. I can explain it no other way.
Can I break down this wall and really let someone in?
That is an unfair question to ask, because I realize there is so much yet to process. I simply feel super alone and like I’ve cheated everyone from really knowing my heart… Including family.