Confused

Confused

Healing light

Registrant
Hey all.
I'm new on here I'm really not sure where to start so I'm going with the here and now I'm in a straight relationship 4 yr now and she's honestly beyond my wildest dreams together we have been trying to get threw all this my baggage
Recently I joined a therapy group there someone disclosed they had same sex relations. I thought I was the only one
The guilt is horrific, somehow I need to change my behaviour. I don't know how
I have not been near a man for a few months now I'm alright kissing and cuddling I find it weirdly soothing with a man or woman except I fancy ladies I will actively flirt to initiate that and then I get myself in a predicament when a man want to go further and I don't but can't say no I disassociate and go threw the motions sometimes I'm sick and that tends to end the moment so as to speak I have got myself in all sorts of predicaments over the years.
I trigger myself so badly doing this it makes me ill and obviously impacts on my relationship she knows me so well and I feel so guilty I disclose what I have done
You would think she would want to leave me but she says she don't I don't know why though I want to leave me
I have no idea where in my abuse this all comes from I want to control myself I can't seem to
Any suggestions guys on how I work threw this and don't destroy my family I'm so blessed with be appreciated
 
Hi Healing light

First off Welcome to MS. I am sorry for what you have been through. I fell good that you were able to reach out for help. Coming here was a good move. I find I learn more about myself by talking with other, it gets easier as you do start to talk. You will not find any judgement here, you will find support here.

It is amazing how abuse has controlled our lives even without knowing it. Are you in Therapy? If not it maybe something you should look into, there is lots of info here to help you find a Therapist that is right for you.

Best of luck on your Healing Journey

Take Care
Esterio
 
Thanks you esterio

Abuse does impact on so much without
It being obvious initially. I have a
Therapist luckily .I'm not great face to face though actually saying things so it is slow going for him I think
 
Hi Healing light

Talking face to face is hard. I never opened up to many people until I came on line and found somewhere I was able to talk about my past. Good to hear you have a T.

Abuse does effect almost everything when it is allowed to. We just need to figure out how to not let that happen. It is knowledge that will help us and to speaking about our past's is a way to get past it.

This is a good place to be heard.

Peace be safe
Esterio
 
Thanks for your post **trigger warning ***




I write poems, songs and that helps
Too tell what's in my head like posting here has helped
Honestly I hope this helps me to be more open with my therapist by being open here
By facing the darkness inside myself
I hope eventually to free myself, figure myself out so the abuse features less in the here and now
The lack of judgement here is outstanding it gave me the guts to post to begin.
I judge myself harshly enough
Most of all for the last time I was raped i was 28 and a man and it were my house I should of been more careful
Should of looked before I opened the door but I didn't think he knew where I was but he my cousin had tracked me down and he was not happy about having too. And he made me pay for what he deemed a lack of loyalty to him. He said I would never forget it or him and I won't
Thanks for listening
 
Hi

Yes writing in any form helps. Posting here may help you to open up in therapy. Facing this takes a lot of courage It helps. Looking back and then starting to blame yourself is not helpful.

This was not your fault you were the victim of a serious crime and the blame belongs to your abusers and attackers. Not your fault you were there but you were not in control of anything. Now you are a survivor.

We try hard not to judge our selves but always seem to be the worst offenders. Judging your self blaming your self or even thinking that you may be to fault is just not so. I understand where you are coming from with that. I too do the same.

The last time someone got to me was at 22 years old.

Pease be safe
Esterio
 
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Greetings Healing light,

Sorry to read your story of the abuse.
I've been registered here for a little over a year.
I can understand the "confused" in regards to "sexual identity.
Many here can understand, and I have personally found it helpful being here. I've been away for a little while, but due to "issues" I have regarding my sexual abuse, from my mother, and other adults at a very young age. I was very confused, even with my "gender", I grew up desiring to be a girl, I desired to fully escape my gender association.
As you continue to read "other" members stories, you will realize more and more you are NOT alone. And through their stories you maybe able to relate, and recognize the same symptoms.
Look forward to read more from you.
Later........ :cool:
 
Thanks esterio
I needed to read a post like yours self blame is difficult but looking back negatively isn't the way forwards

i can sit and tell other people it wasn't there fault so ....

Peace
HL
 
Hi 2bnormal

Thanks you for your message and sharing with me. I think having read here I have had gender confusion my father always said " you should of been a girl " " your such a girl " etc I remember being confused nowadays I question masculinity what is it? Am I masculine.

Peace
HL
 
Healing light
Thanks for your honesty. I too struggle with: " who am I?"
I've been mostly with men, but a few women too. All my CSA
and ASA was done by males.
One day at a time we keep working on getting better. We aren't alone in our struggle.
 
Thanks for your post
This forum has opened my eyes to the fact that even the parts we might feel really alone with like sexual identity we aren't
Because of CSA and ASA I have found men easier to go with lassies I get shy with so I'm not that experienced there though I'm sure some ppl wouldn't think it with the bravado and clowning around I do
It masks low self esteem and lack of control. Used to go down the gym pump weights go boxing bare Knuckle to prove to my self I'm strong I'm masculine really I'm soft emotional and had no control
But coming to realise what masculinity is really about and it's not all that especially if you got sons watching your behaviour from the side lines ( not literally they not seen me fight ) but seeing that kind of masculinity
Last year I did alor of soul searching on this subject and still am
Thanks for sharing also

Peace
HL
 
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