boy abused by father - trigger warning

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boy abused by father - trigger warning

JamesM

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I loved my father in a kind of distant way. I would say I was not afraid of him, but that cannot really be true. I felt confusion, helplessness, insecurity and sometimes anxiety. From before I can remember he must have introduced sex into our relationship. When I first remember him coming to me in the night I knew what he liked and how he liked me to be. I didn't need any prompt to begin masturbating him and submitted without complaint. Afterwards I would feel hurt and hostile towards him and wanted something bad to happen to him. I experience the worst parts of it only in flashbacks and waking dreams. He always encouraged me to forget about what 'we' had done and I wanted to and got really quite good at forgetting.

I think that waking dreams are for me like nightmares, but they are not always scary. I sometimes feel sharp pain in my throat or something stopping me from breathing and I jump out of bed in a hurry, feeling like I am dying. Sometimes I get visual flashbacks when I am awake and they can be really scary, especially if I feel touching at the same time. Earlier, I used to have recurrent dreams of being in a graveyard with men stabbing me and I died and came alive again. That was a flashback, seemingly like a nightmare and I did not understand it, except that I was assaulted and raped in a graveyard when I was 10, although I could not or probably did not want to remember that when I was 17.

This kind of thing has always been with me and I don't expect it to go away, since whenever my childhood experiences push themselves up I start to get these flashbacks and / or waking dreams again. All I can do is go and see a therapist if it is becoming too intrusive for me and that is how I am at present. I know I am avoiding sad feelings, since they are a route to remembering more of my father's abuse. My therapist thinks we should explore them, but my mind is becoming more resistant to going there in therapy. I went there at home and was able to remember more of an experience with my father than I wanted. I remain in control, though and perhaps I need to let go a little more sometimes.

I was abused by a teenager when I was 9 and I wanted him to do it again after I got home, even though he used to become rough and threatening afterwards. I missed the sexual arousal and he got me kind of high on sex, I think to orgasm. This was me wanting more, but I did not like the physical force he would use and it was very different to what happened with my father. Nowadays I see nothing wrong with me feeling like that, it was just a natural reaction in a child to something he enjoyed. For me to have not felt like that would have been unnatural for me at that age, I think. A few years afterwards I felt a lot of shame and wondered over whether I was homosexual, bisexual or heterosexual.

When I first remembered my teenage abuser, he seemed to be inside of me and I thought I would never be able to get him out of my mind. I wondered if he was the cause of the many times I would wake up with very hard erections, but I cannot know. I used to masturbate to thinking about him, since he had had such a powerful effect on me. I used to feel so ashamed of that, but I am glad I never tried an alternative like having sex with a man. That would have been giving in to my abusers completely and I did not want to do that. I can think of him now and he is out of me and I have no particular reaction to his memory. I thought that would never be possible. Thankfully I was never aroused when thinking about my father.

For me, sex and punching of my body were linked by the teenager and he used to give me a lot of bruises sometimes that I would hide. I used to think that punching was all he did to me until I remembered how sexually aroused I was around him. I would become embarrassed when looking at him when I was 10 because I would be acutely aware of how his body looked under his clothes. Many years ago I would have become sexually aroused when thinking about him, but I have no erection when writing this. My self-harm was masturbating to my abuser and bringing up bruises. It was never satisfying and made me feel guilty and ashamed.

I got over it by remembering the abuse as far as I could and reminding myself that simply because I dissociated from some of the abuse does not mean it did not happen. I would wake on the floor crying and naked and had to pull myself together and go downstairs. I remember sometimes going into the bathroom, locking the door and feeling the tender areas where bruises were coming up and older ones were sensitive to pressure. I did not tell anyone until the very end because I was so afraid and felt nothing would stop him carrying out his threats. After I did tell he found me a year later and put me through it again with 4 of his friends. I never told anyone about that and can remember all of it, together with the stress reaction afterwards.

My father went on abusing me and I started remembering it in the morning and began objecting. After some months I became desperate, since he was still coming into my room and I would sometimes wake up to his hands on my genitals. I started talking about it in the dining room when I was alone with him, in low tones that my mother and sister could almost hear. It seems as if he would rape or start to rape me whilst I was asleep and I cannot remember what happened after I woke up. I needed the anal soreness and the problems that gave me at school with soiled underwear to stop. He finally stopped when I was 15 and I do not think I was abused after this time. I remember the rape stories that he left in the house, presumably he read them and perhaps left them for me to read.

For the past few days I have been remembering and spoke with my sister because I needed to re-examine my memories over the time when I was 13 and 14. It is clear that my abuse had not stopped when I was 13 as I had wanted to believe, but later when I was 15 which was when my father went abroad. My childhood and early teenage year memories are often kind of cloudy or absent and yet my sister who is 2 years younger remembers things with ease and clarity. Once she reminds me I tend to be able to remember myself, but I am afraid of what I will remember. I used to think he abused my sister as well, but I am not so sure. I think he decided to abuse me because he was able to use my sister to convince me to submit to him. I remember him doing that when he came to my bed at night and my fear at other times that he would abuse my sister. She remembers watching him abuse me, but not her. I only remember being afraid he would abuse her and wanted to prevent it. He had a deep sickness and I feel he tried to pass it on to me.
 
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