Being me ....trigger warning
Healing light
Registrant
Today in therapy we talked about building identity sexually and as a whole
And a whole host of anger and resentment bubbled out that had been at the surface
All I ever wanted was to be loved
I didn't want to be special or anyone's "boy" I just wanted to be me and loved
Now I'm here a man with my own family and I am loved but I don't even like myself and that makes it hard for me to accept and feel the love
I wish I could be comfy in my own skin I wish I could feel secure in myself and my life instead of always feeling like I'm on the verge of messing my life up
I have not acted out since I joined here but the guilt lays heavy as I realise what I have put my partner threw and why maybe I shouldn't of brought someone along on this ride but I did
Feel like I'm in way too deep
So much I wanted to tell my T but couldn't find the words so I thinks I land up looking dramatic because I can't say why I'm feeling or thinking that of myself
I said that right now I don't want anyone to touch me sexually ever again including myself
My T said that was a strong statement
I couldn't verbalise why I feel like that though so it all sounds a tad dramatic
So I'm at this point where I realise there's as this stuff I need to sort out process accept and ultimately move on from but I have absolutely no idea where to start
Theres nothing to go back to no time before abuse no previous me makes me wonder who an earth was I meant to be , how will I know if I'm on the right track or if past is impacting obviously I should of discussed this with my T I'm not expecting anyone to answer that just outing stuff from my head somewhere safe
I don't even know if the times I remember are the times my uncle first touched me sexually. I suspect not see they wasn't scarey it's hard to accept the person who I loved ( I know I was groomed to ) caused so much damage and them feeling of being loved wanted and belonging was all fake and screwed up
And that's how I feel now fake and screwed up
Been in a hetrosexual relationship years , but hooking up with men even after she knew and forgives could I sit there and tell my mother that's why there's no chance we will have a baby of our own me and my partner because for one I am a cheat why the heck she wanna bring another Chile in this no of course I can't so I say
who knows what's round the corner and up the street ey but we are a bit old. And I'm screaming at myself in my head "your so fake " .
But how do you say do you know I'm actually a total screw up
And I have no idea how not to be
And a whole host of anger and resentment bubbled out that had been at the surface
All I ever wanted was to be loved
I didn't want to be special or anyone's "boy" I just wanted to be me and loved
Now I'm here a man with my own family and I am loved but I don't even like myself and that makes it hard for me to accept and feel the love
I wish I could be comfy in my own skin I wish I could feel secure in myself and my life instead of always feeling like I'm on the verge of messing my life up
I have not acted out since I joined here but the guilt lays heavy as I realise what I have put my partner threw and why maybe I shouldn't of brought someone along on this ride but I did
Feel like I'm in way too deep
So much I wanted to tell my T but couldn't find the words so I thinks I land up looking dramatic because I can't say why I'm feeling or thinking that of myself
I said that right now I don't want anyone to touch me sexually ever again including myself
My T said that was a strong statement
I couldn't verbalise why I feel like that though so it all sounds a tad dramatic
So I'm at this point where I realise there's as this stuff I need to sort out process accept and ultimately move on from but I have absolutely no idea where to start
Theres nothing to go back to no time before abuse no previous me makes me wonder who an earth was I meant to be , how will I know if I'm on the right track or if past is impacting obviously I should of discussed this with my T I'm not expecting anyone to answer that just outing stuff from my head somewhere safe
I don't even know if the times I remember are the times my uncle first touched me sexually. I suspect not see they wasn't scarey it's hard to accept the person who I loved ( I know I was groomed to ) caused so much damage and them feeling of being loved wanted and belonging was all fake and screwed up
And that's how I feel now fake and screwed up
Been in a hetrosexual relationship years , but hooking up with men even after she knew and forgives could I sit there and tell my mother that's why there's no chance we will have a baby of our own me and my partner because for one I am a cheat why the heck she wanna bring another Chile in this no of course I can't so I say
who knows what's round the corner and up the street ey but we are a bit old. And I'm screaming at myself in my head "your so fake " .
But how do you say do you know I'm actually a total screw up
And I have no idea how not to be