Being me ....trigger warning

Healing light

Active Registrant
Today in therapy we talked about building identity sexually and as a whole
And a whole host of anger and resentment bubbled out that had been at the surface
All I ever wanted was to be loved
I didn't want to be special or anyone's "boy" I just wanted to be me and loved

Now I'm here a man with my own family and I am loved but I don't even like myself and that makes it hard for me to accept and feel the love

I wish I could be comfy in my own skin I wish I could feel secure in myself and my life instead of always feeling like I'm on the verge of messing my life up

I have not acted out since I joined here but the guilt lays heavy as I realise what I have put my partner threw and why maybe I shouldn't of brought someone along on this ride but I did

Feel like I'm in way too deep

So much I wanted to tell my T but couldn't find the words so I thinks I land up looking dramatic because I can't say why I'm feeling or thinking that of myself

I said that right now I don't want anyone to touch me sexually ever again including myself
My T said that was a strong statement
I couldn't verbalise why I feel like that though so it all sounds a tad dramatic

So I'm at this point where I realise there's as this stuff I need to sort out process accept and ultimately move on from but I have absolutely no idea where to start

Theres nothing to go back to no time before abuse no previous me makes me wonder who an earth was I meant to be , how will I know if I'm on the right track or if past is impacting obviously I should of discussed this with my T I'm not expecting anyone to answer that just outing stuff from my head somewhere safe

I don't even know if the times I remember are the times my uncle first touched me sexually. I suspect not see they wasn't scarey it's hard to accept the person who I loved ( I know I was groomed to ) caused so much damage and them feeling of being loved wanted and belonging was all fake and screwed up
And that's how I feel now fake and screwed up

Been in a hetrosexual relationship years , but hooking up with men even after she knew and forgives could I sit there and tell my mother that's why there's no chance we will have a baby of our own me and my partner because for one I am a cheat why the heck she wanna bring another Chile in this no of course I can't so I say
who knows what's round the corner and up the street ey but we are a bit old. And I'm screaming at myself in my head "your so fake " .
But how do you say do you know I'm actually a total screw up
And I have no idea how not to be
 

genedebs

Member
Healing light,

I have spent my life believing I am not good enough, that I am worthless. About 18 months ago, I was able to believe
I was inadequate, not worthless. At the Weekend of Recovery I became aware of the fact that rather than being inadequate
I wast capable of some activities.

I know how I was used by my brother, and the friend of my mother who told me all about what he was doing to me.
And later orally and anally raped me. When my mother explained I was at risk because he was probably a latent
homosexual. I said he was not latent. My mother asked If I liked being penetrated, I said no it hurt. She said then you are O.K. I believed I was prostituting myself to comply with what I thought my mother wanted me to be.

I have lots of reason to believe my brother used me, my father screamed all the time and hit me and my mother and my little brother and my older brother. and my mother was such a narcissist, to become worthy of any positive affection, I had to become her narcissist supply. I got married when I was 20, but at 21 and 26 I had homosexual encounters.

You obviously have little willingness to accept forgiveness from your partner, your GOD or yourself. You can spend
time with or without your therapist figuring out why you are so judgemental and harsh on appaising yourself.. And you
can do actions that are kind and helpful to other people. That gave me the ability to live with myself, even when I did not feel good about myself. Also I am an alcoholic. My wife and I were married 25 years when she threw me out
of the house. By then I was 3 years sober. It has been 27 years since I took my last drink. I go to AA


It is my experience and I hope sharing it with you will give you the faith .that being a screw up is not a permanent condition.


May God bless you and keep and grant you peace.
 

NC-Survivor

Active Registrant
why there's no chance we will have a baby of our own
HL, thanks for sharing what is on your heart. So sorry for what you went through that brought you here. When I first got married, I wanted kids, but was also so very afraid of "messing them up" especially if I had a son.

After my pedophile dad left the family (i apparently "aged out" so he was no longer interested) I had no father figure at all. Step-Dad #1 was verbally abusive. So the lack of good role models made me believe I would be an awful father.

Thankfully our first child was a girl. I was OK with that since I had 2 sisters so I was less afraid of messing up. After she was born, I was getting into support groups for the SSA I was dealing with, then I started remembering the abuse that happened with my father (I had blocked it out). our son came a few years later, and in between, I got enough help so I believed I could be a good father to a son. Both are in college now and are are both great people that I am proud of. They helped me in so many ways, showing what a healthy father-child relationship should look like.

It is not impossible. With the right support & T, it can happen for you, too!

May God bless you on your journey!
 

PRFL

Active Registrant
Thanks for sharing, it helps me to know that I’m not alone, and so many of us share similar journeys.
All my life I’ve struggled with feeling inadequate, worthless, incomplete, with devastating consequences.
While I can see that I have good qualities, they seem so insignificant and irrelevant.
I have craved and gotten affirmation, validation and love but I just stockpile it by my side and won’t take it in.
I still cannot fathom that a woman could actually love me or find me desirable (and if she does it’s because she has a problem)
I never married a woman because I feel I would be an inadequate husband or father (so no kids, either)
As for men, I seek them out so they can fill that empty, gaping hole of male inadequacy.
I know that learning to love myself, and ACCEPTING the love of others, would be most healing, but some days to do so is very, very rough.
I grieve now that so much of my life has gone by and there’s nothing I can do to take back those years.
 

NC-Survivor

Active Registrant
I wrote a Movie Review this week here on "The Shack" (2017) (see my signature line) - the main character was physically abused as a boy. The key line from the movie (and it hit ME like a ton of bricks) - YOU WERE CREATED TO BE LOVED!! (not abused, used, mistreated) -- created to RECEIVE love. Part of our Healing Journey is learning how to RECEIVE and ACCEPT healthy love from others!!
 

Healing light

Active Registrant
Hey guys

I appreciate all your replys , thanks for sharing your experiences and thoughts , some very well made points , and the knowing even though its sad that it's not just me and my head.

I'm a father of two , one biologically , and one by mutual respect . were a blended family we all live together full time.
I married at 17 to a girl of 17 it took 8 years and the threat of divorce for me to have my son I were terrified of being a dad when my son was a baby I became a single dad , my lowest point I tried to get my sister in law to take my son I had no faith in me but she did for some reason

I really try to be the dad they deserve and I will keep trying. Maybe if thinks were different we would have one of our own but there not .

The feelings of inadequacy are hard and strong and something to work on in therapy

Thanks for reading and posting

Peace
HL
 

PRFL

Active Registrant
One more thought, in case it helps.
Many years ago I was in a men’s retreat. I was having a rough time, hating myself, and this kind man tells me something I’ll never forget and has carried me through many rough spots: (paraphrased) “There’s a part of yourself that WANTS to get better, otherwise you would not have traveled so far to come to this place. You are here because you want to heal because you know you are worth it. Always listen to that part”
THAT stopped me in my tracks and will always stay with me.
You are here because you want to get better. Because deep down you KNOW you deserve to get better. Listen to that part, it has a lot of good things to tell you.
I hope this helps.
Hugs!
 

NC-Survivor

Active Registrant
“There’s a part of yourself that WANTS to get better, otherwise you would not have traveled so far to come to this place. You are here because you want to heal because you know you are worth it. Always listen to that part
Beautiful statement. Thank you for this!!
 

Healing light

Active Registrant
One more thought, in case it helps.
Many years ago I was in a men’s retreat. I was having a rough time, hating myself, and this kind man tells me something I’ll never forget and has carried me through many rough spots: (paraphrased) “There’s a part of yourself that WANTS to get better, otherwise you would not have traveled so far to come to this place. You are here because you want to heal because you know you are worth it. Always listen to that part”
THAT stopped me in my tracks and will always stay with me.
You are here because you want to get better. Because deep down you KNOW you deserve to get better. Listen to that part, it has a lot of good things to tell you.
I hope this helps.
Hugs!
Thanks very much prfl for the wisdom shared as said above it's a beautiful statement
Peace
HL
 
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