Am I bi **trigger warning ***

Sexuality is such a massive area of confusion for me just a few weeks ago I was sure and thought right well now that's sorted I just need to get comfy with it.
And then a flippant comment off a family member , some reading my T gave me and I'm confused all over again

This SSA is so confusing and the under lining feeling that to me love is love and I believe I could fall in love with a man or a woman

During acting out I did not hook up with people with a view to a relationship and often looking back I was accepting advances from men rather than making them myself these people offen bared some resbelance to my abusers or the situation they were looking for did. If I did look for someone I was looking for certain quality's , someone who might hang out or provide male affection that I craved and still do
the sex was what they wanted and I saw that as inevitable calatoral damage. Either direction I was left feeling ashamed depressed confused vunerable and dirty every time

During abuse attention was often brought to the fact " I liked it " as I know it's bodily reactions and normal I remember being really confused in my teenage years. again in my 20's about why my body did what it did.

So abuse causes SSA , SSA causes acting out.
So what of relationships and love that is separate from the above
My T said one of my liasons was an abusive " relationship " I had referred to it as a liaison , I suppose it had elements of a relationship but I wonder personally now if it was mutual SSA cravings that were quenched for both and I wasn't in a hetrosexual relationship neither was he but both "straight " if we was asked
The abusive part was not really sexual he never physically forced sexual things more cohesive control , jealousy , aggression and domineering parts of his personality but one I very much knew before the liasons and were completely no shock at all.
That's where the T has added confusion

My other confusion lies in the fact I have fallen in love with two ladies. I have not fallen in love with a man before. But the neither has alot of people and they knew they was gay/bi /straight

This is just all stuff in my head again and I know nobody can solve this for me.

I don't know if there's any books I could read , websites or what not that might give a view on sexuality / sexual identity I have read some threads on here that has been helpful.

I'm building from scratch, I don't want to be fake , I don't want to be a mess or screwed up

I just want to be me whoever that is

Peace
HL
 

Tom E.

Member
Hi HL
I agree sexuality is confusing. I have had sex with men & women & threesomes ( w/another man & a woman ) This was all in the past in my wild 20's.
I jumped at just about every sexual opportunity, I was addicted to sex. I'm sure my past abuse probably triggered all of this behavior. I've been in a committed relationship with my male spouse for the last 21 years, however. We met at a gay A.A. meeting. So I guess I'm Gay? Bi? Whatever!!!
--- Tom E
 

JamesM

Member
I am attracted to certain females and felt that from age 6, perhaps because of my father's abuse. I did not feel romantically or sexually attracted to boys and was not interested in touching them or being physically close. By age 11 I wondered if boys found me attractive because some of them abused me. I was afraid they would do it again and wondered if I would like it. My abusers had taught me that they could get me highly aroused and I concluded that I liked the sensations. I don't believe that abuse causes SSA, it is more complex than that. I was afraid of my teenage abuser and he was not in any way affectionate, but was an aggressive rapist. If I had had sex with a man I would have been responding to my abuse.
 

manipulated

Greeter
You can be sexually responsive, sexually attracted, romantically attracted... at least I can. And I hate the “labels” society insists we adopt. Be true to yourself. Be safe. Refuse to be a victim ever again and follow your desires and your heart.
 
Appreciate all your replys thanks

I think I have been over thinking it if that makes any sense
You can be sexually responsive, sexually attracted, romantically attracted... at least I can. And I hate the “labels” society insists we adopt. Be true to yourself. Be safe. Refuse to be a victim ever again and follow your desires and your heart.
My partner insists I don't need to use society's labels as long as I'm happy in life and my choices
Being safe and no longer a victim is paramount I agree
Hi HL
I agree sexuality is confusing. I have had sex with men & women & threesomes ( w/another man & a woman ) This was all in the past in my wild 20's.
I jumped at just about every sexual opportunity, I was addicted to sex. I'm sure my past abuse probably triggered all of this behavior. I've been in a committed relationship with my male spouse for the last 21 years, however. We met at a gay A.A. meeting. So I guess I'm Gay? Bi? Whatever!!!
--- Tom E
I think my past triggered my 20's and I'm pleased you have found you settled down with your partner , that is what I desperately want to settle down with my partner


I wants to live a peaceful life where the past stays where it should be not affecting daily with the intensity it does. The road seems long sometimes 5 years healing and with a clear head I know I'm in a better place than I was by far
My first sexual experiences were at the hands of my now deceased uncle , he groomed boys to ultimately be exploited . My teenage experiences were absue from two cousins separately one now in prison one deceased he took his own life.
Picking threw it all trying to find out who I am
Wishing it wasn't so messy an atom bomb went off in my family but I wasn't the one that made the bomb to begin took a long time to accept that

I am attracted to certain females and felt that from age 6, perhaps because of my father's abuse. I did not feel romantically or sexually attracted to boys and was not interested in touching them or being physically close. By age 11 I wondered if boys found me attractive because some of them abused me. I was afraid they would do it again and wondered if I would like it. My abusers had taught me that they could get me highly aroused and I concluded that I liked the sensations. I don't believe that abuse causes SSA, it is more complex than that. I was afraid of my teenage abuser and he was not in any way affectionate, but was an aggressive rapist. If I had had sex with a man I would have been responding to my abuse.
I should really of said I believe abuse was a big cause of my SSA in my opinion but then I wouldn't know if I would of been anyway attracted to males but patterns I have formed indicates the early sexual abuse was very impactive on my attraction to men. Your right it is far more complex

The good thing about posting here is you can let it out your head and find other people , thoughts and opinions from there experiences in life thanks u all for sharing on this thread

Peace
HL
 
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