Abused by my Mother by Emotional/Covert Incest
Sorry for the long post guys, I'm just trying to find other guys on here who have dealt with the same abuse from their mother as I have, it's a new discovery for me, although I always knew this abuse took place and affected my life, I had a hard time putting a context to it. Would like to hear other's stories on covert/emotional incest with their mothers, and how they dealt with it.
Here's some of my story:
I had originally come to this forum years ago because for the first time in my 35 years of living I was dealing with the sexual abuse I received from my father. I had been through a lot of therapy, books and support forums and truly feel healed for the most part.
And now after recently therapy sessions with my skilled therapist, who helped me uncover the hard to identify abuse from my relationship with my mother, I am now dealing with the lifelong effects of being abused by my mother through emotional or covert incest.
It's something that was hard to identify because there wasn't a common context or framework to which I had knowledge of and could examine it from. I always knew my mother was manipulative, insecure, needy and did not treat me with love as a child. In fact as a 41-year-old adult now I can honestly say I have no feelings of love or affection towards my mom. She has been so invasive in my life, and so destructive (in my opinion) in her other children, and grandchildren's lives that I am looking forward to the day she is not here anymore. It's fucked up to say that about your own mother but that's how I feel.
She never sexually abused me, so it was difficult for me to put a finger on what was wrong, especially when I was dealing with the sexual abuse I received from my father. But what I always knew that what she was doing was very subtle, and almost if not more effective in controlling my life.
For those who aren't familiar with the term yet, it is essentially defined as a parent who makes a surrogate spouse out of one of their children. This parent creates an inappropriate emotional bond between the child and themselves and the effects on the child can be lifelong and damaging, especially if they never become aware of the abuse. A good book on the subject is "Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners" by Kenneth M. Adams.
My mother had absolutely 0 boundaries with me, she was/still is deeply insecure, needy and narcissistic and this abuse I believe must have happened to me at a very early age because of the level of control she was able to have. She can get in my mind and my train of thought and get me to hear her voice whenever I am contemplating something or thinking about something. She put me on a pedestal and also manipulated me into thinking I had a mental health issue as another way of controlling me. She I believe was mentally ill at times. Her two marriages were not fulfilling and she leaned on me for support. Made me her companion when she was feeling lonely, I was forced to go shopping with her, go on trips or errands and also do anything around the house that she couldn't or didn't want to do, I was her little man. I was her object. Often in her room, while nobody was around she would make me rub oil or lotion on her feet. I was between 7 and 10. This gave her a lot of joy and pleasure, I remember her smiling a lot and making me feel good about what I was doing. This was a contrast to how she treated me in front of other people, often avoiding eye contact altogether but at the same time keeping constant tabs on me.
She also seemed to have a physical attraction towards me but never acted it out sexually. She would always comment on how my clothes looked, or my hair. But she would never say I was handsome, while my aunts and grandparents had no problem calling me handsome I believe she was afraid to do it out of giving any sign of her attraction. As an adult, I've caught her looking at me many times that gives me a really creepy feel, and when I look at her she looks away or acts like she wasn't looking at me. I've seen her stare at my genital area too and sensed that she got some rush or energy out of it.
I also believe she is attracted to children. Her whole life she spent around children, a daycare, then teaching preschool. She talks about them, and has a "need" to be around them, even babies, she objectifies them and gets her needs met through children.
I remember vividly the sense of her being jealous of my 3rd and 5th-grade female teachers when they would compliment me. Is this normal? I've always had fear as an adult of women getting jealous.
I have not been able to have a relationship that lasted more than 10 months, and I have had many relationships throughout my life, sexual addition to escape, and even given up on relationships altogether. I went to therapy again because I noticed that after moving back to my hometown, and closer to my mother I couldn't have a relationship with women anymore, nor did I have any desire, this is after I became mostly healed from sexual abuse from my father, so it was confusing to me why I felt stuck. The covert/emotional incest from my mother explained the reasons why. The book was incredible and told much of my life story with my mother. Now I'm trying to heal and making progress.
She made me her close confidant and confided with me many things about other people or her marriages, everything she said she said it as though it was not her opinion but fact, the absolute truth, most of it was gossip and putting others down. She liked it when is was weak, dealing with depression or anxiety so she could have more control over me. She got me to be closer with her and tell her basically everything that I was thinking. Again no boundaries.
I started dating a girl and noticed I was getting really jealous and insecure when something would happen like she would turn her phone off and not reply to my message. I start getting very suspicious of what she is doing and imagining all kinds of scenarios. She doesn't seem to be anything like my other which is a good thing. And I'm trying to remember that is my mother who was the shady one, manipulating and pretending to be something that she was not. I need to get this out from the shadows and put it in the right place so it's not affecting my relationships. I would like to have a loving relationship that leads to marriage and kids and I want to keep them away from my mother.
It's been a difficult journey with some progress recently. I'm just tired of having fucked up parents that have effectively ruined most of my life and kept me from experiencing long lasting true love.
Any help or advice is much appreciated, thanks guys
Here's some of my story:
I had originally come to this forum years ago because for the first time in my 35 years of living I was dealing with the sexual abuse I received from my father. I had been through a lot of therapy, books and support forums and truly feel healed for the most part.
And now after recently therapy sessions with my skilled therapist, who helped me uncover the hard to identify abuse from my relationship with my mother, I am now dealing with the lifelong effects of being abused by my mother through emotional or covert incest.
It's something that was hard to identify because there wasn't a common context or framework to which I had knowledge of and could examine it from. I always knew my mother was manipulative, insecure, needy and did not treat me with love as a child. In fact as a 41-year-old adult now I can honestly say I have no feelings of love or affection towards my mom. She has been so invasive in my life, and so destructive (in my opinion) in her other children, and grandchildren's lives that I am looking forward to the day she is not here anymore. It's fucked up to say that about your own mother but that's how I feel.
She never sexually abused me, so it was difficult for me to put a finger on what was wrong, especially when I was dealing with the sexual abuse I received from my father. But what I always knew that what she was doing was very subtle, and almost if not more effective in controlling my life.
For those who aren't familiar with the term yet, it is essentially defined as a parent who makes a surrogate spouse out of one of their children. This parent creates an inappropriate emotional bond between the child and themselves and the effects on the child can be lifelong and damaging, especially if they never become aware of the abuse. A good book on the subject is "Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners" by Kenneth M. Adams.
My mother had absolutely 0 boundaries with me, she was/still is deeply insecure, needy and narcissistic and this abuse I believe must have happened to me at a very early age because of the level of control she was able to have. She can get in my mind and my train of thought and get me to hear her voice whenever I am contemplating something or thinking about something. She put me on a pedestal and also manipulated me into thinking I had a mental health issue as another way of controlling me. She I believe was mentally ill at times. Her two marriages were not fulfilling and she leaned on me for support. Made me her companion when she was feeling lonely, I was forced to go shopping with her, go on trips or errands and also do anything around the house that she couldn't or didn't want to do, I was her little man. I was her object. Often in her room, while nobody was around she would make me rub oil or lotion on her feet. I was between 7 and 10. This gave her a lot of joy and pleasure, I remember her smiling a lot and making me feel good about what I was doing. This was a contrast to how she treated me in front of other people, often avoiding eye contact altogether but at the same time keeping constant tabs on me.
She also seemed to have a physical attraction towards me but never acted it out sexually. She would always comment on how my clothes looked, or my hair. But she would never say I was handsome, while my aunts and grandparents had no problem calling me handsome I believe she was afraid to do it out of giving any sign of her attraction. As an adult, I've caught her looking at me many times that gives me a really creepy feel, and when I look at her she looks away or acts like she wasn't looking at me. I've seen her stare at my genital area too and sensed that she got some rush or energy out of it.
I also believe she is attracted to children. Her whole life she spent around children, a daycare, then teaching preschool. She talks about them, and has a "need" to be around them, even babies, she objectifies them and gets her needs met through children.
I remember vividly the sense of her being jealous of my 3rd and 5th-grade female teachers when they would compliment me. Is this normal? I've always had fear as an adult of women getting jealous.
I have not been able to have a relationship that lasted more than 10 months, and I have had many relationships throughout my life, sexual addition to escape, and even given up on relationships altogether. I went to therapy again because I noticed that after moving back to my hometown, and closer to my mother I couldn't have a relationship with women anymore, nor did I have any desire, this is after I became mostly healed from sexual abuse from my father, so it was confusing to me why I felt stuck. The covert/emotional incest from my mother explained the reasons why. The book was incredible and told much of my life story with my mother. Now I'm trying to heal and making progress.
She made me her close confidant and confided with me many things about other people or her marriages, everything she said she said it as though it was not her opinion but fact, the absolute truth, most of it was gossip and putting others down. She liked it when is was weak, dealing with depression or anxiety so she could have more control over me. She got me to be closer with her and tell her basically everything that I was thinking. Again no boundaries.
I started dating a girl and noticed I was getting really jealous and insecure when something would happen like she would turn her phone off and not reply to my message. I start getting very suspicious of what she is doing and imagining all kinds of scenarios. She doesn't seem to be anything like my other which is a good thing. And I'm trying to remember that is my mother who was the shady one, manipulating and pretending to be something that she was not. I need to get this out from the shadows and put it in the right place so it's not affecting my relationships. I would like to have a loving relationship that leads to marriage and kids and I want to keep them away from my mother.
It's been a difficult journey with some progress recently. I'm just tired of having fucked up parents that have effectively ruined most of my life and kept me from experiencing long lasting true love.
Any help or advice is much appreciated, thanks guys
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