Abuse without physical force

Abuse without physical force
No means NO! He intentionally ignored your No, and that makes it by force. There are dudes in prison right now because they ignored a female's No.
You were assaulted. You didn't consent. You told him No. It's on him NOT you.
 
Howard, I submitted too, earlier than I wanted. It wasn’t very violent except the initial forcing himself onto me. Don’t blame yourself for submitting—and don’t blame yourself for any of it. In those situations, we don’t know how we’ll react until it happens. I can promise you this, if I ever find myself in that circumstance again—so help me God I don’t—I’m not going down without a intense fight.

Your words here resonated with me because I’m very much the same way:

“I've always been so non-confrontational and naive, assuming the best in people;”

We’re good people who found ourselves in bad situations thinking someone else would think and act like we do. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
 
Howard, I submitted too, earlier than I wanted. It wasn’t very violent except the initial forcing himself onto me. Don’t blame yourself for submitting—and don’t blame yourself for any of it. In those situations, we don’t know how we’ll react until it happens. I can promise you this, if I ever find myself in that circumstance again—so help me God I don’t—I’m not going down without a intense fight.

Your words here resonated with me because I’m very much the same way:

“I've always been so non-confrontational and naive, assuming the best in people;”

We’re good people who found ourselves in bad situations thinking someone else would think and act like we do. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
I've been in plenty of physical altercations, but it's like it was so shocking, unbelievable, and confusing that I was too busy trying to figure out what was actually happening that it never occurred to me to fight until it was too late to fight.
 
When we are young boys in a trauma sexual situation with an adult, it is not uncommon to freeze. Our “no” can easily be silenced and many times we lose our voices. A great book (but tough to read) is Traumasexuality where it actually describes
“the moment” and walks through what our bodies and minds are experiencing at the time the abuse begins.
 
I've been in plenty of physical altercations, but it's like it was so shocking, unbelievable, and confusing that I was too busy trying to figure out what was actually happening that it never occurred to me to fight until it was too late to fight.
That’s exactly it. Very well put.
 
That’s exactly it. Very well put.
Thank you, Scott. I spend alot of time analyzing and thinking about the how and why of everything. It's good to know it makes sense to someone else. Because it's hard to not worry that I'm not subconsciously trying to rationalize or make excuses for the way things happened.
 
Thank you, Scott. I spend alot of time analyzing and thinking about the how and why of everything. It's good to know it makes sense to someone else. Because it's hard to not worry that I'm not subconsciously trying to rationalize or make excuses for the way things happened.
Exactly. I too worry that I’m not trying to rationalize or make excuses. I’m so glad you said that. I’ve been really struggling with shame and guilt these last couple of weeks. Intellectually I know what happened to me was non-consensual pure rape. But my guilt says otherwise. I blame myself a lot and don’t feel that I deserve good things now.

If I can’t say it for me, let me say it for you. You are not making excuses. Assault, abuse, rape, all of it is why we’re here. Keep thinking analytically especially when emotionally it’s tough. And then respond to yourself with empathy like you would someone else who is going through it.
 
Exactly. I too worry that I’m not trying to rationalize or make excuses. I’m so glad you said that. I’ve been really struggling with shame and guilt these last couple of weeks. Intellectually I know what happened to me was non-consensual pure rape. But my guilt says otherwise. I blame myself a lot and don’t feel that I deserve good things now.

If I can’t say it for me, let me say it for you. You are not making excuses. Assault, abuse, rape, all of it is why we’re here. Keep thinking analytically especially when emotionally it’s tough. And then respond to yourself with empathy like you would someone else who is going through it.
That's one of the biggest things I've had to learn how to deal with is knowing what happened versus believing what happened. I had mentioned it in another post. But, since I have found this group and seem how similar all of our experiences are; it is getting easier and easier to put the blame where it belongs.
 
Top