My story, and first time connecting with survivors

My story, and first time connecting with survivors
Hello all,

I’m a survivor, although flashbacks and dreams make me feel like I’m still fighting to survive.

I am finally facing the end of 2018, a new years resolution, and promise that I would begin to try and heal from childhood abuse. I am also here because for the first time I decided to call RAINN. Through that discussion, I both learned and realized there is value in connecting with survivors. This is tough for me because I fear other men, from doctors, dentists, counselors, and in friendships... Any touch or emotional conversation with men has always caused me anxiety. But I'm here... I'm here...

(Edited for confidentiality, will update later.)
 
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Hi Gistin and welcome to the site I am pretty new myself and just joined a couple months ago, but it was a relief for me finding this site and realizing others could understand me. Please reach out if you ever need to talk with a fellow newbie.

Take care.
 
Hello Gistin, There is a lot that you've written that resonates with me. I know, as you mention, you're not alone, and that's helped me as well. I too called RAINN when I couldn't take it anymore. They directed me to a local Sexual Violence Center which helped me sort out the beginnings of recovery.

I find each step of healing has a lot of me to deal with, and I often find myself readdressing things I thought I'd processed. There are ups and downs, and a lot more downs this year. I learned about the Window of Tolerance this year, which goes with Survival Mode and the Polyvagal systems. Those insights to why I do what I've done or do have helped me see myself as the child I was, and who has hidden inside me. The odd part about my therapy is that too often that hidden child interacts with circumstances rather than I the adult, parent, sibling, friend.

The time I've spent here at MaleSurvivor has been a huge effort to explore who I am and why I do what I have done and do. I see that in what most write here. Sometimes relief is needed and there's poetry, books or music, though this site brings a lot of what's noted, from the realm of CSA.

This year I learned a lot about childhood Emotional Neglect and CEN is what I've been exploring since I fell into a sever depression over 2 months ago. I found relief and these past 2 weeks have kept me looking at CEN.

I hope you have a therapist, or are considering to find one? There's a resource to search for one on the MS home page in the Survivors tab. There's also a lot of information about what we can do to help ourselves, and those who support us to see what we go through.

Welcome and Best Wishes.
 
Hi Gistin

Welcome to MS. Sorry for what you had to go through to need a place like this. I am proud you were able to come and reach out for help. Your story will touch a nerve with most here. There are many ways perpetuators get to us they prey on us for their pleasure with no regard of the damage they are doing. Good to meet you and good luck on your healing journey.

Take Care
Esterio
 
Hi Gistin - Welcome, and as we say in here, sorry for the reason you are at a site like this. However, at the same time, we get it. We know what can drive us to seek out someplace like this.
I would echo what Ceremony asked - do you have or are you seeking out a therapist? If you're looking, take your time and look into their specialties. If what they specialize in isn't listed, call and ask. It's all anonymous. No one there knows your name or address or telephone number. It's ok to ask since it's your recovery and you deserve to find someone who can guide you in the healing process. That's what I did. Look around. You're worth the work.
 
Welcome Gistin,
Like you, when I decided it was time to face my past, I looked everywhere on the internet and found this site.
The biggest thing I did in my healing was attend a Weekend Retreat.
So much of what you've shared resonates.
I hope you can believe that none of what was done to you was in any way your fault, nor make you a 'bad' person.
 
Banjo596, WG, Esterio, Ceremony, and Jack86 -
Thank you all for the welcome, I appreciate it beyond what I can really express.

One of my biggest fears in posting was that my abuser would be on the lookout, somehow match up the story. It feels better that this is a safe place. The therapist I used to see years ago is no longer in the State, so I've already started looking. There's more male therapists in my area of focus, and I can't just go there. It may be what I need though... I just feel safe with a woman, but at times I feel they don't understand from a man point of view.

After posting my story, feelings surfaced that this may be a scarier for me than I thought. I have spent a lifetime hating, regretting, feeling sad, stuffing it down so effectively - I almost feel comfortable with this routine. Why would I leave that "comfort zone"? Really it isn't comfortable, but more convenient and safe for everyone around me. I'm in for a wild ride I'm guessing.

I won't get into anything heavy in this thread because this is Introductions, but I appreciate once again for the welcome. I've witnessed so much respect here, I know this is going to be one healthy resource.

Thank you...
 
Hi Gistin - WELCOME

I’m glad RAINN helped you to see that a place like MS can be a big help in your healing journey. May it be exactly what you need at this time in your life.

Your story is unique (and well presented) but however it develops, abuse has the same effects of emotional and physical tragedy. If you haven’t already, I hope you consider getting a therapist who can offer direction on your path. It’s been my experience that MS is great for support, empathy, and camaraderie, but a therapist is still needed.

Thanks for reaching out. Take care of Gistin.

Blue

As an added comment:
I’m glad you’ve seen other therapists and continue to do so now. It’s so important that you seek someone who will be a good fit for you. It’s sometime easy to forget that the therapy is for YOU and how you will be helped.
 
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Blue,

Thank you for the welcome. I agree, obtaining professional therapy is key to my success, and a community behind you helps in support. I want the weight of years stuffing it all down to be lifted, I really don't see how that is possible at his point in time. One goal at a time, once again thank you for the welcome.

Cheers -
 
Gistin - walking through what happened will take time and more time. As we said, find a therapist. Good you had one at one time so that part isn't so unknown. Feelings will surface as you work on all of this and it isn't done in a few sessions. Yes, it can be a wild ride and we're here to be on that ride with you. As you said, one goal at a time.
When I began to dig into this with my T, it seemed like the sessions went much too quickly since there was so much I wanted to talk about. After the sessions I would sit out in my truck and cry until I felt like I could concentrate on driving. Sometimes I'd cry most of the way home. After a time, I didn't cry so much, and later on I could just get in, settle myself and start the drive home. Progress. But it took time. Your timeline will be yours, no on else's. Just like all of us in here. (As a side note - it's not like I don't cry or get upset in sessions now. Of course I do, just not as often or for the entire session....). Heal well.....
 
WG,
Thank you for sharing and it is encouraging to hear about your progress. You mentioning crying sounds scary to me, not sure I can articulate as to why. I've read about others and that experience, however perhaps the way you present your experience.

Thank you again WG
 
Hey Gistin - didn't mean to make it sound scary, it wasn't my intent at all. It's just that for me the deep reality of what was done was surfacing after almost 50 years of never telling. Didn't tell my wife and children until about 6 years ago - I've been married 37 years with 3 great children. They know now.
How you go through all of it will be your own experience. I imagine the crying piece is connected to your past. There's something behind that feeling of seeing crying as scary. For me, after a while, I felt I would never give my perp or my folks the satisfaction of seeing me cry. It was the one thing I felt I could control around them. Through therapy I discovered it's a natural form of release of pent up emotions and feelings.
Take all the time you need to get what you need. We're all here to walk with you.
Again, you're most welcome.
 
Maybe I'm paying for mistakes made by another, in another lifetime?
No, I truly believe this is just a fallen and broken world. Predators prey on the weak. we were never allowed to be strong enough to be able to fight back. We were victims, nothing more. It was NOT OUR FAULT! ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT!! Our response to any grooming was trying to meet our inner need for love. It was THEY who took advantage of that need that we all have.
 
Gistin

What happened to you was not your fault. I was abused by a priest and understand how controlling the Church was several decades ago and sadly for many even today.

I am glad you found your way to MS. It is a wonderful place. It has helped me over the years as I healed. Thank you for sharing your story and I am sorry for the pain it has caused you. Please keep posting as you feel safe.

Kevin
 
Thank you, @F.A., @KMCINVA, @NC-Survivor - This is the most I’ve ever spoke of what happened to me, and it is just the surface. I can’t afford going to therapy, and going just leaves me walking away feeling worse than I started out. I also realize in dealing with emotions, a mechanical approach to doing this myself isn’t working either. I’m at a wall once again...

I’m strong one day, weak the other, and overall doubtful I’ll be fine on the other side. UGH!
 
Hi Gistin
Welcome! I truly believe you will be safe here. I am really sorry you have to be here though :(
I suffer with anxiety, depression, ADHD, OCD etc. Luckily the medicine helps a lot but I still
live with a low-level depression and anxiety problems. I can't afford a psychologist at the
moment. Therapy has helped but I do get exactly what you are saying about feeling worse.
Also you need to find the right therapist - I've been through about 9 since I was 8 years old. Only
2 of them have been good. But if you find the right one it can make a massive difference.
I am sorry to hear about your marriage. You didn't deserve that either :(
And yeah I am also likely that - strong one day then weak another. Hey even within a day
my mood can change drastically!
Take care :)
 
I had a season (MANY years) when I could not afford therapy. There are still options: churches and other faith-based groups, 12-step groups (try sexual addiction - that gets you close. plus many of us do have porn issues stemming from the abuse) There are also books you can read and workbooks you can work through. (the Wounded Heart book & workbook was VERY helpful in my journey)
 
@NC-Survivor thank you for the mention of the Wounded Heart Book & Workbook
Yes, thank you. I just ordered it, have seen it referenced several times.

I feel knowing other people in real life who share your trauma is probably very helpful, a therapist alone can't be it. I'm also aware of church support groups here, but I can't trust their intentions. I reached out to a group here that offers support for sexual violence and abuse. They offer group sessions, which I'm not sure that is what I'm ready to experience. I have a meeting this Friday, to see what is available. Alaska is one big small town, my fear is others finding out... That has always been my fear.

I just want to sit and talk with someone who can really relate, real human interaction, not so much solve any problems in a clinical format.

@LoneWolfX, I've grown up being ADHD and anxiety. My anxiety has been the result of my Alopecia Universalis, which came on my late teens. I have avoided medications all my life, just the way I was raised. However, I do have a natural path that has me on a good vitamin and supplement program, which works great. Being aware of your physical health in dealing with trauma I feel has to go hand in hand, otherwise you open yourself to being overwhelmed.

Appreciate the engagement guys...
 
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